A Moment of Grace

The day was hard and it started when I woke up late.  The getting my husband out the door rush bled over to the hurry and make breakfast for the little people so we can start school drama.  Quiet time was skipped over in favor of paying bills while silently screaming about the lack of groceries in the pantry.

Frustration abounded and grace was looked over in the busy mess of life.

Have you ever had one of those mornings?

Unfortunately this morning lasted all day.  Isn’t it interesting that when one person in the family is off kilter the whole group is thrown awry? My mood affected my husband which trickled down to the children and from there the snow that first fell as a flake became a barreling ball rolling break-neck down the mountain.

It’s a cycle isn’t it, this sin trap?  Sometimes we choose the trap because these are “acceptable sins” that seem to remain unnoticed by others and we think it’s easier to keep running in circles than to step out and walk the straight line.

But He says, “For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.”  Mt. 7:14 ESV

The way that leads to life is hard. *sigh* Yes, yes it is.

And so as I stood at my kitchen sink, doing the fourth load of the day, lamenting about the state of my house and the bills that still needed to be paid, I had a moment…the kind of moment where you know that God is moving in your heart and aligning your spirit with His.

It’s painful, seeing your sin in the light, but so, so sweet to know that it has already been covered by the blood of Christ.

It was a moment of grace. Life was going round just like before, the tasks were still there waiting, but my heart was moved, changed.  I plunged my hands back into the soapy water and saw with fresh, grace-washed eyes:  my son sharing my love for reading at the kitchen table,  my daughter dancing to the worship music streaming from the computer, and the look of concentration on my husband’s face as he learns a new song to share with our students…

And I smiled as He whispered, “Behold, I am making all things new…”.

Yes, even me, Lord.

Are You Thirsty?

I’ve started placing my bible on top of my computer. It’s a little thing, I know, but:

For a season my routine had changed and instead of reading the Word with my coffee I was scrolling through my Google Reader and checking up on email.  I meant to get to my bible but by the time I reached for it, the little people were ready to start school.  We study Him together in the mornings and I teach of Him and His sweet promises but I just wasn’t feeling them.  My spirit was dry, and tired, and…

So, I grew sad, and melancholy, and for the first time in my life felt the chains of a depressed spirit. I cried to my husband. I cried to my sister. I cried to everyone but Him, you know, the One who breaks the chains. 

Wouldn’t life be simpler if we always ran to Him first?

My girl’s scripture for memorization is : “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. ” John 7:37b (ESV)    And as I read with her and repeated the verse over and over, I realized that I had forgotten some things:

He meets me where I am.  His is enough. He is sufficient. His water never runs dry.  Though my spirit fails me, He will not.

Come, drink, believe Him, and “Out of his heart will flow streams of living water.” John 7:38 (ESV)

Eating His dust

There is great cost in following Jesus, in true discipleship.

It’s not pretty or clean or easy.

He takes us places we would never go on our on.  He calls us away from our families, from our comforts.  God blesses us with abundance and then asks us to give it away.  He wants us to love the unlovable.

He moves in our spirit and wants to make us so tender toward the hurting that we can’t help but be bonded together through the suffering of the night and the joy that comes in the morning.

He bids us to come and follow – to be so close to Him that we eat the dust kicked up from his feet as He walks us through His word.

He’s asked if I ‘m willing. With His small, still voice speaking to my spirit, He wants to move me further, just like He does with all who believe. 

I know there is great cost. While my heart is willing, my flesh is weak, and so I teeter on a precipice so deep that I can’t see the end.

But I know that He holds the future. He is steadfast and unchanging. His promise that I am secure doesn’t mean that this life will be any kinder but that He holds me in the palm of His hand and He will be at the bottom waiting to catch me.

So, I’m jumping, not just falling over, but the kind of jump where you need a running start so that when you get to the edge of the cliff you’re flying.  And He will catch me and I will follow Him, eating the dust kicked up from His feet.

Becoming His disciple, looking like the One who is the Lover of my Soul.

My Heart

Anger and frustration are my companions today.  

“Today if you hear my voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion, on the day of testing in the wilderness, where your fathers put me to the test and saw my works for forty years.”

But Lord, You don’t understand.  This is not fair. I am right.  This part of me has to be hard.

“Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an, evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God.”

I’m not falling away, Lord, and my heart isn’t unbelieving.  I’m just protecting myself.  Walls are built for a reason.  You know why…

“Do not be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”

“Let us therefore strive to enter that rest so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience.  For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of our hearts. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”

The Lord asks me to lay down hard things, feelings and insecurities that I’ve carried for a long time.  I’m resisting.  I don’t want to change.  I’m comfortable with my baggage, or so I’ve believed.  Lately it’s been causing me to hurt a little too much and in turn I’ve been causing others to hurt.  Sounds about right doesn’t it?

Sin never affects just one person.  There’s always a ripple.

I know what I have to do but my “heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick…”

But his mercies are new every morning, aren’t they?

The weeping of the night only lasts for a while and then you get to see hope; dawn breaking open the night sky.  And you start over…

Soften my heart, Lord, is my prayer.